My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito