Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?