God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
i did the math
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.