Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
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based al yankovic
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”