“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.