Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard