HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse