If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice