what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”