[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.