Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
choose your gary
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*