[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I think I’ll stand
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
This makes total sense…
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.