[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
kids play hide and seek like
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
listen closely
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word