I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.