The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph