[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
i actually laughed 😩
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.