“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
WTF
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.