Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.