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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.