*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Matt Goss
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld