Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Swedish for common sense.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now