Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Mornin
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.