how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I am also baked goods
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?