Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.