[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
You Might Also Like
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.