The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
guys I’m going home
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.