It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *