Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Always leave them wanting their money back.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate