There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
when revenge coincides with naptime
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!