[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here