I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
lmfao come on
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps