I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?