dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Schrödinger’s cookie
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
pat pat
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.