Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.