Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question