Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something