A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden