It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Pass gas, not judgment.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger