I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*pokes sex life with a stick