My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj