My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Good dog. ❤️
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what