Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
When they try to steal your moment.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Breaking news:
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together