[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
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ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
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Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
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Server: Huh?
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
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