Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
You Might Also Like
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.