Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
This is true.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
tis the season
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.