*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
White Castle for the Win
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Just a phase…
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing