Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?