When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you