Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
first you must answer his riddles
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.