I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or